I’m a good mom. I am. Most of us are. But I’m not always a great one. Not one like the mom’s I admire from afar and want to model my parenting after. I may have some people fooled but the truth is, my moments of mommy greatness are few and far between. I can easily get selfish with my time, lazy in my parenting and find myself willfully not exercising the God-given parenting gifts afforded to me. The things I want to do with and for my kiddos often get put on the back burner in the frenzy of busy days. Purposeful and intentional devotion time, daily prayer (other than before a meal or bedtime!), quality time listening to their experiences, their hearts and their dreams, working with them on school projects and homework, inviting them into the kitchen to cook with me, riding bikes…the list goes on and on. We do these things, just not as often as we should. I can easily pick getting wrapped up in my own needs over these gifts of time with my kids. Fortunately, we serve a God who graciously overcomes our weaknesses and often prompts us out of our self-made mirey circumstances of self-focus and frenzy to invest instead, deeply in the lives of our children. Two nights ago was one of those gracious times in the Ballinger household. And oh how powerful and purposeful it was. Follow along with this simple yet powerful story of God’s knowing and purposing all things for our good. (Romans 8:28)
The events of the past two days require a little bit of back-story. Our youngest daughter Johanna is one of the most tender-hearted, emotional, deep-feeling and sensitive little girls you will ever meet. She undoubtedly also shows signs of some level of OCD. She was beautifully and wonderfully created and learning to navigate the waters of life with this amazing bundle of emotions has been both difficult and rewarding. When I say she is emotional and deep-feeling, I think there is probably no way to make anyone understand just how deep I mean unless they have lived in this household with her. She has possessions (dolls, build-a-bears, stuffed animals) that she treats and require other’s to treat as living, breathing beings. To the point where it often seems she believes they are in fact alive. An ear fell off of one of her animals last year and in a sobbing, desperate, agonizing plea she begged for us to take “Cuddles” to the ER. Very few people are allowed to even go near her favorite baby “Daisy” because they simply do not know how to treat her with the proper human-like care she needs. One slight harsh word felt on her tender, always exposed heart can lead to a meltdown. One act of imperfection and the failure weighs heavily on her heart for days. She wants nothing more than to please, to love and to be loved. God has purpose in how He has knit together this beautiful soul and we lean into that in times when we just don’t think we are equipped to parent her effectively. She loves with a heart bigger than anything I have probably ever seen or experienced. And she can be crushed more deeply and easily in just the same manor.
Last September, we were at the Kansas State Fair and Johanna found and instantly fell in love with a hand-made Alpaca fur teddy bear for sale in one of the livestock buildings. It was an instant connection and I knew this would become another one of the loves-of-her-life. And it did. “Alpacie” became the newest addition to the Ballinger family. She loved, cuddled, cared for, journaled about, fed and played with Alpacie for the next 3 months. In December, something terrible happened. Our dog found Alpacie on the floor and tore her up. Our oldest daughter Madison found Alpacie lying unresponsive on the ground in about 4 pieces. We were so upset and didn’t know how to tell Johanna. So, we didn’t. I made the mistake of quickly stuffing Alpacie’s mutilated body into one of the decorative stockings hanging over the mantel in a desperate attempt not to have to deal with the fall out. Cowardly, yes. I just couldn’t bare to see Johanna’s world collapse around her. In that moment, I didn’t trust God enough to deal with her heart. I took away from her, the experience of dealing with this “death” in the fold of her Loving Father, and in fear, chose to hide the situation. But God is a God of redemption, and this failure of mine, like all others, He had already planned to redeem.
Back to present day. Last Monday began like any other day, school, work, swimming practice, dinner and so on. By evening I was tired and ready to just send the kids to bed while I lost myself in whatever nonsense was on TV that night. As I sat down on the sofa and began to flip through channels, I felt a tugging on my heart. Johanna had a little bit of a sad day at school and I knew she was still kind of down. I told my husband I need to go spend some time with her and off I went to join her in her room. We spent the next 20 or 30 minutes snuggled in her bed together talking, laughing, finishing up her homework and loving our time together. She was so overwhelmed with happiness at our impromptu connection that she was already beginning to dread the following day when she would have to part from me to go to school. As I was about to tear myself away from her grip, I remembered a devotional I had purchased and intended to work through with her that hadn’t been opened in at least a month. I got it out, flipped to the right date and we began to read and study it together. It was about trusting God through struggles and how He uses hardships, sadness, loss and disappointment to mold and refine us, to strengthen us, build character in us and turn us more into the likeness of Christ. We talked about how He never lets even the toughest circumstances go by in our lives without purposing them for our good and doesn’t let them pass until they have worked that good in our lives. We talked about how we can find joy even the hardest times, knowing that if God allowed it, He will purpose it and see us through. We talked about how this takes faith and trust, of which He is the author and perfecter. We prayed. We talked about what types of hardships she could imagine in her life that God could ultimately use to build faith and character. The first thing she said was “like if an arm got ripped off of Daisy or I lost Cuddles in a fire”. She immediately thought of her precious stuffed loved ones and the pain and grief she would feel if anything happened to them. We talked about how God would be with her in these circumstances and carry her through as He performs His transforming work in her life and her heart and her character. She ended by saying “Mom, I get it! If something really bad happens and we don’t turn to God and just stay mad and sad, nothing will change. But if we trust God to help us and pray to Him, we will get our new character and things will be better!” It made me cry to hear such sweet words of truth. Little did we know how immediately profound this truth would be…the very next day.
God knows all, sees all, hears all, created all and purposed all. He knew what was to come Tuesday afternoon and He graciously prepared us for it Monday night. Tuesday afternoon, seemingly out of nowhere, Johanna asks “mom, where is Alpacie? I have been searching for her for so long and I can’t find her.” (it’s been a little over 4 months since the incident). I looked at Madison with wide, fearful eyes as to say, what in the world should I do? She looked back with the very same expression. I brought Johanna to me and sat down in a big comfy chair, stroked her hair and gently told her of the events in late December. She absolutely fell apart. She was crying and sobbing so hard that her chest was heaving and I though she would pass out. She was devastated and inconsolable. She hit the floor in defeat then picked herself up and ran to her room with tortuous cries. I am not exaggerating. Her world crashed around her. I went to her side and tried to comfort her. I calmly reminded her of the bible study we had just done the night before. How unbelievably amazing it is that our Father in Heaven loved us so much, that He chose to prepare us for this very moment, knowing exactly how and when it would happen, by leading us to His word the previous night. I was in awe of His unfathomable Mercy and Kindness to us and I shared that with Johanna. I reminded her of her very words when she “got it”. Her response was precious: “I know that’s still true but I didn’t know it would hurt this much or be this hard!”.
If God had not prepared us Monday night for what happened Tuesday, what became a precious time of working through real grief and loss together with the patience and love of Christ, would have instead been a frenzy of unbridled emotion, frustration, and I’m certain, anger. His act of Grace, beginning with prompting me into the very bible study that spoke to our souls, and carrying on through the prompting on my heart to tell Johanna the truth about what happened to her beloved Alpacie, ended with the most intense, sweet day of faith, trust and character building I could have ever imagined. It was a day she and I will remember forever. It was one of those mark-it-down as growing closer to Jesus days.
She went on to ask to see the remains of Alpacie and again, by Grace, I had kept them and knew just where they were. I pieced her back together and Johanna lovingly wrapped her in a fuzzy hat that was just the right size to cradle her torn body. She asked me if Alpacie could feel any pain and I assured her that she could not. As we went through the day, sweet Johanna was exhibiting some of the clear stages of grief and being aware, confused and trouble by some of them. We looked up the stages of grief together and talked about where she was at and what she had been through. We talked about how to move on from here with the loving guidance of Jesus. We talked about how He is in every single circumstance in our lives and how all things are filtered through His sovereign hands for purpose. We talked about how we are His hands and feet and the character He builds in us through these trials is the very character He needs in us to accomplish to His work on earth. We stepped outside of ourselves and our own little world to taste and experience the greater good of His will. By the end of the day, Johanna had indeed tasted “her new character”. What a gift!
No, we are not talking about the death of a parent, a tragic accident, Cancer plaguing a body or a natural disaster taking a home and possessions. We are talking about the love of a little girls heart for her precious best friends and how the loss of one of them, felt like a tragedy. To her it was. The conviction God brought to me, trusting Him with my children and not sheltering them from pain, was a Merciful and invaluable gift. The Truth He brought to my daughter was life-giving and faith-building. He is a God of purpose, a God of sovereign control, a God of perfect timing, a God of redeeming failure, a God of restoration, a God of transformation, a God of Truth, and a God of covenant promises to His children. This precious time of walking with God is one that we will both remember forever. Thank you Jesus for the gift of connecting the dots and looking for the Father’s hand in all things. I can’t imagine the plain old ordinary self-consumed day we would have had otherwise. By Grace Alone.
Pictured Above: Alpacie’s broken body lovingly bundled in a favorite cozy snow hat
Ex sola Gratia 